Today I’d like to introduce a new segment on FYMU called “Judge Honey B Presides Over the Court of Everything”. It’s a bad title and I feel bad about it. But I wrote it down and fuck the backspace button CAUSE IT’S MY TUMBLR COURTROOM, BITCHES. And I’m judge, (hung) jury, and executioner.
The first defendant is Pitbull (or as he apparently likes to be called “MISTA THREE O FIE”), who I am charging with looking douchey, being featured on every song that I hate, and not going away. Who decided he was a thing? When was that cultural meeting called? One Million Moms, let’s mobilize against the true degenerates of society.
I was going to present evidence but then I found this picture and the case seemed pretty cut-and-dry.
It’s this kind of shit that gives pitbulls a bad name, you know?
SENTENCE: FADE INTO OBSCURITY. However, I’m not without mercy. In ten years you can be the first eliminated contestant on Dancing with the Stars OR marry one of the Palins because I think that would be funny and Pitbull Wearing Lipstick would be a decent reality television show.
Step 1: Panic - Once you notice the injury/malady, immediately run through all of the worst possible scenarios in your mind, feel like you will poop yourself, and scream a little. You probably have 8 kinds of cancer and need an emergency hysterectomy.
Step 2: Action - After you finish with Step 1, freeze in place. Do not move at all. If you are not moving, the infection, cut, missing finger, cannot travel and become worse. Probably.
Step 3: Assessment - Stem the flow of blood, hop to the nearest seat on your non-injured appendages, and take a good look at how you are going to die.
Step 4: Diagnosis - You have just acknowledged your imminent death caused by your sudden contraction of leprosy. Now look on the internet to confirm.
Step 5: Acceptance - The internet has confirmed your diagnosis, and is indicating that you are showing signs of a heart attack and you may have also contracted the Rage Virus. Isolate yourself, cry, and begin to accept your future as a leprotic zombie with heart disease.
Step 6: Second Opinions - Call your mom. She will tell you that your paper cut likely did not result in a pool of blood, missing finger, cancer, or the zombie apocalypse and you should put a bandaid on it and stop putting off your homework.
Step 7: Third Opinions - Call a doctor. Get prescribed ibuprofen and yell about how that will not contain your leprosy.
Step 8: Treatment - Keep looking on the internet for treatment options. Get distracted by internet. Forget that you’re dying. Look at gifs of puppies until it’s time to go to bed.