Double D:
Things I could be doing:
- Finishing my last homework assignment of college.
- Sleeping.
- Anything else.
Things I’m doing instead: Looking up what Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhies) from Saved By the Bell looks like now.
You guys, the fuck happened to Lisa Turtle.
EDIT:
I checked, and “What happened to Lark Voorhies’s face?” is now a suggestion for google searches. I am not alone.
Double D:
You look like a 10,000x less attractive Janelle Monae. Stop it. Everyone hates you.
In Case You Were Wondering…
Double D:
My after-college plans involve the following (in order):
- Drinking myself into oblivion.
- Sleeping for a week.
- Sitting in sunshine.
- Panicking over my lack of plans.
- Self-loathing.
- Crying.
- Beg for jobs on my hands and knees.
- Apply to graduate school.
So. NOW EVERYONE CAN STOP ASKING.
How to: Emergency Medical Treatment
Double D:
Step 1: Panic - Once you notice the injury/malady, immediately run through all of the worst possible scenarios in your mind, feel like you will poop yourself, and scream a little. You probably have 8 kinds of cancer and need an emergency hysterectomy.
Step 2: Action - After you finish with Step 1, freeze in place. Do not move at all. If you are not moving, the infection, cut, missing finger, cannot travel and become worse. Probably.
Step 3: Assessment - Stem the flow of blood, hop to the nearest seat on your non-injured appendages, and take a good look at how you are going to die.
Step 4: Diagnosis - You have just acknowledged your imminent death caused by your sudden contraction of leprosy. Now look on the internet to confirm.
Step 5: Acceptance - The internet has confirmed your diagnosis, and is indicating that you are showing signs of a heart attack and you may have also contracted the Rage Virus. Isolate yourself, cry, and begin to accept your future as a leprotic zombie with heart disease.
Step 6: Second Opinions - Call your mom. She will tell you that your paper cut likely did not result in a pool of blood, missing finger, cancer, or the zombie apocalypse and you should put a bandaid on it and stop putting off your homework.
Step 7: Third Opinions - Call a doctor. Get prescribed ibuprofen and yell about how that will not contain your leprosy.
Step 8: Treatment - Keep looking on the internet for treatment options. Get distracted by internet. Forget that you’re dying. Look at gifs of puppies until it’s time to go to bed.
Honey B:
My life may be in shambles.
I have no idea what I’m doing after graduation.
But goddamn I have a nice ass.
Honey B:
When did I blackout and download Call Me Maybe?
And why is it on my workout playlist?
- Honey B: 75 minutes into this class and we've covered one slide. I hate it.
- Double D: Do what I do in those classes. Pick out the most attractive person, decide if I can seduce them, and then try to creepily catch their eye for the rest of the class. Works best when the most attractive person is the professor.
- Honey B: Professor is a no. And there's only one other guy here and he looks like he'd wear a wolfshirt.
- Double D: Wink seductively until he cries.
