Fuck Yeah Mesh Underwear!

Aug 11

Double D:

The 90’s - The glorious decade when every woman was a lesbian.

Jun 07
Honey B:
Today I’d like to introduce a new segment on FYMU called “Judge Honey B Presides Over the Court of Everything”. It’s a bad title and I feel bad about it. But I wrote it down and fuck the backspace button CAUSE IT’S MY TUMBLR COURTROOM, BITCHES. And I’m judge, (hung) jury, and executioner.
The first defendant is Pitbull (or as he apparently likes to be called “MISTA THREE O FIE”), who I am charging with looking douchey, being featured on every song that I hate, and not going away. Who decided he was a thing? When was that cultural meeting called? One Million Moms, let’s mobilize against the true degenerates of society.
I was going to present evidence but then I found this picture and the case seemed pretty cut-and-dry.
It’s this kind of shit that gives pitbulls a bad name, you know?
VERDICT: GUILTY
SENTENCE: FADE INTO OBSCURITY. However, I’m not without mercy. In ten years you can be the first eliminated contestant on Dancing with the Stars OR marry one of the Palins because I think that would be funny and Pitbull Wearing Lipstick would be a decent reality television show.
COURT ADJOURNED.

Honey B:

Today I’d like to introduce a new segment on FYMU called “Judge Honey B Presides Over the Court of Everything”. It’s a bad title and I feel bad about it. But I wrote it down and fuck the backspace button CAUSE IT’S MY TUMBLR COURTROOM, BITCHES. And I’m judge, (hung) jury, and executioner.

The first defendant is Pitbull (or as he apparently likes to be called “MISTA THREE O FIE”), who I am charging with looking douchey, being featured on every song that I hate, and not going away. Who decided he was a thing? When was that cultural meeting called? One Million Moms, let’s mobilize against the true degenerates of society.

I was going to present evidence but then I found this picture and the case seemed pretty cut-and-dry.

It’s this kind of shit that gives pitbulls a bad name, you know?

VERDICT: GUILTY

SENTENCE: FADE INTO OBSCURITY. However, I’m not without mercy. In ten years you can be the first eliminated contestant on Dancing with the Stars OR marry one of the Palins because I think that would be funny and Pitbull Wearing Lipstick would be a decent reality television show.

COURT ADJOURNED.

May 11
Double D:
Things I could be doing:
Finishing my last homework assignment of college.
Sleeping.
Anything else.
Things I’m doing instead: Looking up what Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhies) from Saved By the Bell looks like now.
You guys, the fuck happened to Lisa Turtle.
EDIT:I checked, and “What happened to Lark Voorhies’s face?” is now a suggestion for google searches.  I am not alone.

Double D:

Things I could be doing:

  1. Finishing my last homework assignment of college.
  2. Sleeping.
  3. Anything else.

Things I’m doing instead: Looking up what Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhies) from Saved By the Bell looks like now.

You guys, the fuck happened to Lisa Turtle.

EDIT:
I checked, and “What happened to Lark Voorhies’s face?” is now a suggestion for google searches.  I am not alone.

May 08
Double D:
You look like a 10,000x less attractive Janelle Monae.  Stop it.  Everyone hates you.

Double D:

You look like a 10,000x less attractive Janelle Monae.  Stop it.  Everyone hates you.

May 06

Double D:

You’re all welcome.

Apr 29

In Case You Were Wondering…

Double D:

My after-college plans involve the following (in order):

  1. Drinking myself into oblivion.

  2. Sleeping for a week.

  3. Sitting in sunshine.

  4. Panicking over my lack of plans.

  5. Self-loathing.

  6. Crying.

  7. Beg for jobs on my hands and knees.

  8. Apply to graduate school.

So.  NOW EVERYONE CAN STOP ASKING.

Apr 28

How to: Emergency Medical Treatment

Double D:

Step 1: Panic - Once you notice the injury/malady, immediately run through all of the worst possible scenarios in your  mind, feel like you will poop yourself, and scream a little.  You probably have 8 kinds of cancer and need an emergency hysterectomy.

Step 2: Action - After you finish with Step 1, freeze in place.  Do not move at all.  If you are not moving, the infection, cut, missing finger, cannot travel and become worse.  Probably.

Step 3: Assessment - Stem the flow of blood, hop to the nearest seat on your non-injured appendages, and take a good look at how you are going to die.

Step 4: Diagnosis - You have just acknowledged your imminent death caused by your sudden contraction of leprosy.  Now look on the internet to confirm.

Step 5: Acceptance - The internet has confirmed your diagnosis, and is indicating that you are showing signs of a heart attack and you may have also contracted the Rage Virus.  Isolate yourself, cry, and begin to accept your future as a leprotic zombie with heart disease.

Step 6: Second Opinions - Call your mom.  She will tell you that your paper cut likely did not result in a pool of blood, missing finger, cancer, or the zombie apocalypse and you should put a bandaid on it and stop putting off your homework.

Step 7: Third Opinions - Call a doctor.  Get prescribed ibuprofen and yell about how that will not contain your leprosy.

Step 8: Treatment - Keep looking on the internet for treatment options.  Get distracted by internet.  Forget that you’re dying.  Look at gifs of puppies until it’s time to go to bed.

Apr 22

Double D:

Yeah.

Apr 21
Double D:
GPOY so hard.

Double D:

GPOY so hard.

Apr 12

Honey B:

My life may be in shambles.

I have no idea what I’m doing after graduation.

But goddamn I have a nice ass.